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08.07.12


Can't you see what you've done to me?
Broken down, left to start on the ground.
Again through all I've gone before,
a new prospective, a new me; without you.

You thought you'd torn me apart,
and perhaps you did.
But all the kings horses and all the kings men
were able to put this girl back together again.

It's so frightening, refreshing, rejuvenating
to start over, perhaps one day with someone new.

What was the purpose in hurting me?
What did that prove?
Did you really think that I'd stay,
couldn't be without you.

As afraid as I am of being alone,
it is nothing compared to the thought.
The thought of being stuck forever.
Stuck for ever in a life of disharmony.
Stuck in a life with you.

08.13.12


These past two months or so have been very difficult. My supposed "guilt" has been greatly weighing on my mind; but what am I guilty of? Perhaps my guilt stems for my leaving without a word. Truly, whose fault is that? He didn't leave my key in the designated hiding spot. He answered many questions for me with that one simple action, or inaction as it were. Did he really love me or was it all just a well played game?

Staring into the pool of truth,
our true reflections did show.
Mine, the way it has always been,
but for the new truth in my eyes did glow.
Gleaming out on the open water,
beacon for love and hope.

Yours shown for you you truly are,
a deceitful scheming type of bloke.
The hurt and betrayal you've fought
so hard to portray and show,
in reality is nothing but a farce.

But I shall turn my away,
and begin again right from the start.
You think you've broken the root of me,
but you shan't ever break my heart.

07.18.12


I know that my posts have been rather depressing as of late, and that there hasn't been one  in about a week, but I am just sick. My tonsils are swollen and touching and I feel like shot. So when I feel better, the posting will continue. 
- R

07.09.12


One is the loneliest number that you've ever heard. Seriously though, I enjoy being in my own company (I think I'm kinda awesome), but it'd be nice to have some girls to go out with; so I could not risk it by going out by myself. My ex isolated me from my friends and now that I'm back, they've all moved away. This really sucks.


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07.08.12


Desperation is am ugly word. I retract that. The word itself is not ugly; however, the meaning behind it is.


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07.07.12


When did everything become so hard? When did life loose it's sparkle? How come I can't be myself? What part of this life makes any sense whatsoever. Why did I do the things I did? Why can't I ever just let myself be happy. Is there such a man who would do so?


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07.06.12


I was so desperate for acceptance-to be loved- that I grabbed onto something - anything- and hoped that oneday fondness would eventually turn into love. It wasn't fair to you, or to myself. My accident set me so far behind... I saw people I went to high school with, getting married and starting families, and I tried to force it. My lifelong feelings of inadequacy were only exacerbated by my brain injury. I was set back soo far and I resented it, resent it, resent myself for putting me inn this situation. No matter what great feats I've done and accomplished in this life, I've never felt like it was enough. I couldn't be prevailed upon to care enough to try harder, only to get depressed and feel sorry for myself. I never should've tried to force myself to love someone. But, how could I stand up and say, "No, this isn't what I want," when I had/have no clue what it is that I do in fact want. I truly do regret that you got caught in and were hurt by the crossfire. I wish that I could say that I would change it if I could, but I cant- change it or truthfully say it; because the mistakes you make form the person you are, or will become. A mistake isn't truly a mistake unless you don't learn from it. Id like to fancy myself as a wise soul; wise souls are perpetually learning and growing- at least that's my understanding. Signing off til another day - Rachel


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07.05.12


I feel so alone and isolated; I know I do it to myself but I just can't find it in me to care. I know when I do this that I hurt the people who love me. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't care enough. I'm on medicine for this, why isn't it working? I'm horrible to people; I feel as though my inaction hurts everyone worse than anything I could ever do. Again, I don't care enough to change. My hypothesis: I'm to afraid to let people see the real me - I can't let people in or I will get hurt. I sometimes wonder if I really was trying to end it all int car accident, at least subconsciously - I'm too much of a pussy to ever do something that drastic on purpose. I mean, I've had fleeting "what if" thoughts before; but that's all they are fleeting thoughts. On another note, I crushed Sklyer by leaving the way that I did; with no goodbye or anything. I loved him once upon a time, or at least I thought I did. You can't live with someone for a year and a half and feel nothing. Unless I am the uuber bitch everyone used to say I am. Am I a horrible person? I'm never going to have anyone in my life if I keep isolating myself like this

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06.14.10


 So, I'm still wanting to major in English; however, I have some bad news. I wasn't aware that I could get special assistance from the office of disabilities at my school, because I have a brain injury. Because of that, I was trying to force myself to behave and take tests like a "normal" person would; all along I could have been taking my tests in a room by myself because everything distracts me, due to my brain injury. Well, on that note, I'm already not very good at science, and I made a D+ in my Earth Science class. That caused my GPA to drop .09 below the required minimum for my scholarship. I have now lost my scholarship for good, as you can only get it back once and I initially lost it when I was in my accident two years ago. I'm hoping that the scholarship board will take some pity on me, and look at my extenuating circumstances. Now not only will I only be able to take two classes per semester because of my injury, but two classes may be all I can afford. Ah, the injustice.

05.24.10


 I think I want to major in English again, with a concentration in writing. I'm so confused.