I was so desperate for acceptance-to be loved- that I grabbed onto something - anything- and hoped that oneday fondness would eventually turn into love. It wasn't fair to you, or to myself. My accident set me so far behind... I saw people I went to high school with, getting married and starting families, and I tried to force it. My lifelong feelings of inadequacy were only exacerbated by my brain injury. I was set back soo far and I resented it, resent it, resent myself for putting me inn this situation. No matter what great feats I've done and accomplished in this life, I've never felt like it was enough. I couldn't be prevailed upon to care enough to try harder, only to get depressed and feel sorry for myself. I never should've tried to force myself to love someone. But, how could I stand up and say, "No, this isn't what I want," when I had/have no clue what it is that I do in fact want. I truly do regret that you got caught in and were hurt by the crossfire. I wish that I could say that I would change it if I could, but I cant- change it or truthfully say it; because the mistakes you make form the person you are, or will become. A mistake isn't truly a mistake unless you don't learn from it. Id like to fancy myself as a wise soul; wise souls are perpetually learning and growing- at least that's my understanding. Signing off til another day - Rachel
Posted via m.livejournal.com.